AUBREEVISION - Observations from the far side of the dial

Oh, the drama!

What innocently began as a weekend beach/picnic outing turned into a nightmare staged in the wilds of western Quebec.

We had it all planned out: three carloads leaving Ottawa for a leisurely 50-minute drive to by-all-accounts-lovely Lac la Pêche. Visions of sun-soaked lounging, Baywatch-esque beach sprints and egg salad sandwiches boasting the perfect balance of mayonnaise, green onion and celery danced in my head.

All such daydreams were dashed when cricker81 , gigglydragon , Windy and I got very, very lost.

Instead of lounging lakeside, we drove over 30 kilometres on winding dirt roads, including a horrible one-car-width (but two-way!) number marked by a distinct Blair Witch feel.

Instead of being sun-drenched, we, and all of our possessions, were covered in an even coat of dirt from driving with the windows down in cricker's un-airconditioned, two-door car.

Instead of relaxed comaraderie and playful splashing, we steeped in the combined irritability of four people spending precious weekend hours hopelessly lost in a hostile -- well, French anyway -- land.

We eventually did find the beach, arriving more than two hours late with tall tales of having been waylaid by evil French gypsies. One carload of friends, having had their fill of leisure and given us up for lost, were packing up to leave but graciously, pityingly, stayed a little longer.

Cricker, Windy, giggly and I tried to rally, but it seemed that fun in the sun just wasn't in the cards. We managed a half-hearted snack and token swim before heading home. The lake was pleasant enough but the resident fish were alarming large; I've experienced minnows in designated swimming areas, but this was more like a very large and fearless school of perch. Perch! I couldn't relax onshore, either, due to a preponderance of aggressive, mutantly-proportioned dragonflies and spiders. I felt like we were in the midst of competing Biblical plagues. Finally, thanks to a bikini malfunction, I exposed my right breast to one and all (Note: In the event of an inadvertent nip-slip, don't scream. Surprisingly enough, it draws even more attention to your exposure).

To be fair, our travels did expose us to wildlife more palatable than that previously mentioned. We saw a deer, a fox and two of the rarest creatures of them all: the wild rainbow and the 24-flavour soft-serve ice cream stand.

Keep your eyes on cricker81's, gigglydragon's, and Windy's blogs for their respective versions of our adventures. We theorized that our accounts will be like the four Gospels: wildly varying accounts of the same event.

Lac la Pêche, I wish you well -- but may we never meet again.